Mace Windonesia: The Legend of the Great Filoni
by sonyat
Summary: Mace Windu and Cad Bane end up handcuffed to each other.


_I have only myself to blame for this. And possibly liquor. Flame away! I don't care if this is too long or too short; I write it for myself. If someone else out there happens to be amused by it, nice. _

**Mace Windonesia: The Legend of the Great Filoni**

_(Chapter I: Comedy of Errors)_

Padawan Ahsoka Tano had come before the Council with the full intention of informing them of a radical and strange development concerning Separatist movements in the Mid-Rim, per Master Unduli's urgent instructions…only to find the room deserted save for one very obviously _very _pissed off Mace Windu. The teenage togruta flinched inwardly. _Of __**all**__ the times for Master to have gone missing!_ She had heard rumours from her peers the few times she was at the temple about his temper when he'd been pushed one step too far. Thankfully, these times were supposedly rare (andusuallycausedbyanakinlol).

Of all the rotten luck, really!

The delicate clearing of throat she gave to respectfully gain his attention was drowned out by another voice unexpectedly cutting in: "Is this seriously what you do all day?" Immediately Ahsoka reached for her lightsaber and subsequently ignited it, for lo and behold, casually chilling out in Plo Koon's chair was none other than Cad Bane.

"You!" she accused shrilly, pointing the weapon at the badass bounty hunter, who had turned in surprise along with Windu. In the back of her head a tiny voice complained in indignation that neither had noticed her despite the fact that she was standing in the _middle _of the majestic room.

Mace jumped up from his seated position (scowl naturally still in place) and strode over to her. Well, _tried _being the more operative word. He made about three steps before an invisible bond jerked him backwards, sending him toppling over his own chair which in turn yanked Bane back and forth with the momentum of the Jedi's unexpected fall.

"What the kriffing-!" the Duros swore, managing to stay upright, right arm bent at an awkward angle. "Oh. It's you." Cad deadpanned, adjusting his awesome hat.

Ahsoka's jaw dropped in bewilderment. "I- you- what happ-" Were…were they wearing binders?!

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Mace roared in a most undignified manner from his position on the floor. He slammed his misplaced comlink. "KENOBI!"

Obi-Wan strolled in at the exact moment his own comlink went off rather loudly. "Yes, yes, I'm here Master Windu. Is there something- _oohhh_." He winced upon viewing the scene, running a gloved hand through his hair, effectively ruining the innocent façade he'd been going for. So much for two days of avoidance.

"Deal with _this_?" the dark-skinned Jedi Master gestured at Ahsoka as he picked himself up. The sheer coldness and intensity of his glare was astounding.

"Er, yes, right away," Obi-Wan took the padawan by a shoulder and steered her out into the hall. He cut straight to the point. "No doubt you've noticed Anakin's disappearance?"

Ahsoka automatically knew what this meant as her Master had somewhat of a reputation. She facepalm'd. "Oh NO, he _wasn't_-"

"He was." Obi-Wan confirmed grimly.

_It turned out that victories were indeed cool, therefore partying in the name of said victory was cool. Not that it was a battle hard fought because the majority of the droid armies seemed to have stopped moving, let alone plotting anyway. Maybe they were on strike? Could droids even go on strike?_

Wait, Obes says yes; sorry for the confusion. "_No, I said Grievous was_," Obi-Wan covertly whispered to the wall, tone stern.

"General Grievous was what, Master?" Ahsoka asked somewhere in the background.

_So Anakin had taken out three random clones to get completely shitfaced. And that they did! Three strip clubs (Padme would be most displeased), a veritable jungle of boobs, and even more drinks later, the quartet found themselves sitting at a seedy bar in the underbelly of __Coruscant drunkenly prankcallking Mace Windu. _

_After the hundred and fifty-seventh call ended with another bout of hysterical laughter, Mace evidentally had had enough for he had them traced and showed up with a squad of troopers ready to drag the lot of them home and perhaps beat some sense into them. _

_Now how did our favourite blue bastard equate into this situation? The choice establishment of the Republic's soliders also happened to be that of his date's. What was one crappy bar he'd never been to in exchange for minimal effort to bed an attractive lady friend of his choosing? Have a few drinks, seduce her, get laid, kick her out/make note to call again. Easy night. _

_The higher powers would not have this, and thus karma caught up with Cad Bane. _

_He __had been in the wrong place at the wrong time when all hell broke loose. Windu's admittedly bad idea to break the door down and storm in had the denizens of the bar, criminal and non, in a panic including Skywalker and his still nameless trio of Clones. Sitting secluded at the back near the exit usually worked; unfortunately _both_ Jedi and bounty hunter had the advanced sense of 'my ass is currently on the line'. _

_They met in the middle (incidentally after _both_ had shoved a shrieking humanoid off of their person) of the escape route. Even though Anakin was beyond blitzed he recognized the Duros for what he was, and with a crazed battle cry, threw himself at the shocked Bane. One less alcoholic beverage, one less second, and Bane would have leapt out of the way in time. Pity. _

_Anakin hit his target dead on, forcing _both_ to the sticky floor with the strength of his tackle. Dealing with a sloshed Jedi would have proved easy if the dog-pile hadn't of come a fraction of a second later. The three equally fucked up Clones slipped on their way to aid their General and fell hard atop them. "We gawrts 'im boys! MAASSSE!" Anakin schreeched triumphantly, no longer trying to flee the sleep-deprived Jedi Master's wrath. "D'eese mah speshul," the blonde slurred proudly, pulling a two unattached cuffs out from underneath the clone pile whilst keeping his wobbling lightsaber above Bane's enraged face. One of the devices whirred to life as it clicked around the bounty hunter's bared wrist. _

_There was probably a good chance Anakin would have melted Bane's face off had Mace not intervened. "Skywalker!" The older Jedi pulled the younger to his feet. _

"_We wiiiin!" he sing-songed and clasped Mace's hands in his own, accidentally slapping the other cuff onto the man's left wrist. _

_Hearing his new adornment beep cheerfully, Mace examined it. "What is this? What did you-" _

"_IlllaaahhhvvObiwuuun." Anakin stumbled precariously then passed out cold against him. The sudden dead weight shifted Mace's stance causing him to take a step back and trip over one of the felled drunks. Fate was a cruel mistress. He banged into an ailing circuit box, prompting it to spew forth sparks and electricity. Mace cursed as it zapped him, ripping his burnt hand out of the unusually high voltage. Somebody was growing _something_ in the basement. _

"_Are you alright, sir?" _

"_Fine, trooper. I'll have it treated after we lock _him_ up." The Jedi had no trouble remembering the incident aboard the Black Stallion. The sober Clones had their blasters trained on the furious bounty hunter, ensuring he wouldn't be going anywhere. "Take him away; two of you come with me, lets investigate what the owner was doing down here." Mace only made it halfway down the cramped stairway when everything went dark. _

"And when they're more than ten feet apart, they black out." Obi-Wan finished explaining, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The nerves are specifically targeted."

"Why won't they come off?" Ahsoka had buried her face in her hands, totally embarrassed.

Obi-Wan wasn't so sure how to continue. "Some types of binders have programs…or passwords for…_special_ occurences. We don't have the password."

Blushing beneath the cover of her palms, the padawan stated, "Master uses those with Senator Amidala, doesn't he."

"Nnnnyes," Obi-Wan coughed, his lurking suspicions now confirmed. He sighed in defeat.

"Can't they be cut off?" Ahsoka adjusted the jewellry and padawan braid decorating her lekku.

"No. When activated long barbs insert into the flesh and Master Windu overloaded his accidentally." _I really didn't think Anakin would have gotten into the BDSM scene, let alone Padme of all people…_ "With only one cuff functioning it's impossible to remove them without cutting their respective hands off, an option neither cared for. "

_That won't last long_, Ahsoka was willing to bet. "At least we have Bane where he can do no damage." She conceded. "Will Master 'reappear' anytime soon?"

"In a day or two if I'm correct; this has happened before."

The togruta blanched. _Good god!_ "W-what was it you were saying about General Grievous, Master? Master?" Ahsoka turned head when he didn't respond.

Obi-Wan was conversing with someone by the tone of his loud whispers. Ahsoka did a doubletake of the hallway. They were the only two around. Her brows knit together in worry. _Obi-Wan has been really out of character lately._ "Master, are you feeling alright?" she questioned with slight aggressiveness, placing her hand on his upper arm.

This seemed to snap him out of his episode. "I'm fine," he answered, but his attention was elsewhere. "_I am being careful! Of course I'm the one who's going to get bitched at! I raised him! Don't you dare, I did the best I could! We aren't having this conversation._"

Ahsoka stared, dumbfounded. _Schizophrenia? _She was definitely going to have to speak to someone in the healer's ward about this. It was strange as hell to hear Obi-Wan cuss so blatantly. Did he think she wasn't listening or something?

The noise of a lightsaber coming to life and hostile shouting startled her out of her reverie. "Umm, Master Obi-Wan?"

"I think I have a plan to fix this but I must discuss it with someone first."

"That's good but what about-"

"Bane isn't armed."

"Ohkay, but that wasn't-"

"Do keep an eye on them until Master Yoda arrives." Obi-Wan smiled blankly, patted her on the head, and walked off.

Ahsoka slumped against the wall in disbelief. _I'm not even going to think it can't get any worse, because it WILL. _

A/N: HAHAHA OUT OF CHARACTER I'M SO FUNNY

No not really.

Moar Cad Bane next chapter!

The quest for the omnipotent Dave begins!

Why the fuck is Grievous on strike!

Who the hell is Obes talking to?

Will Padme be angry that Anakin lost their special sexy handcuffs?

All this and more on "I can't write at 4AM"

wait it's called Mace Windonesia isn't it

Hit me up with ideas if you please, such as what characters you'd like to see on the quest for the great Filoni.


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